BREAKING SQUIRREL NEWS: Suspicious Death on Sidewalk
(We at uglY cOUsin worry that such matters as this go unnoticed and unprinted. The unmistakable sadness of squirrel life gives us pause when we cross paths with it. In this case, literally, when an ordinary walk on a rare sunny day made us confront the horrors normally hidden in the trees. With respect then, we reprint this piece from the Squirrel News Service (SNS).)
Tommy, a longtime resident of Lowe Street was found dead on the sidewalk yesterday morning, only a short distance from the tree he called home. The extent of his injuries lead investigators to believe falling may not be the cause of death.
“We can’t rule out the fall as a contributing factor in his death at this point,” Mary Squirrel Cop stated, “but the extent of his injuries are not consistent with a simple fall.” Falling from trees in the spring and early summer months is the second leading cause of death among male squirrels, topped only by being flattened by a automobile tire while unpredictably switching directions during road crossings.
According to the medical examiner, Tommy had lost much of his tail, both of his front feet, and part of his front left leg, probably due to a long winter. Humans in the area are advised that they are pretty damn lucky to be indoors most of the time.
“His lack of front feet may have contributed to his fall,” continued Mary SC, “since the ability to scamper is highly compromised when one has to depend on nubs.” The investigation continues, though, to determine if foul play was involved.
“You know how mean squirrels around here get when it’s warm one day and they get all filled with that there procreative urge, then it’s back to miserable winter the next day,” one neighbor offered. “Hell, one of those young pups might have shoved him just for kicks. I’ve heard them teasing him and that albino down the block.”
Tommy is survived by all of us currently reading this plus dozens of others. In lieu of flowers, Tommy’s relatives have requested that he be remembered with a moment of personal reflection and thanksgiving by those who take their feet for granted.