This Halloween, make the only time these kids have walked on a sidewalk even more memorable. No one will recall who gave them that KitKat when it falls out of a bag amongst 40 other KitKats. Being acceptable and normal is boring.
There are only two ways of making your Halloween hand-outs stand out: 1) pay too much for full-sized bars, and 2) hand out crap. The first is too showy for an uglY cOUsin. It reeks of insecurity and showiness. Sure, we’ve fallen into that trap from time to time–mostly to impress the parents or to use as a sort of insurance policy against tricks. Kids are mostly too lazy to come back to your house and smash your pumpkin now. No need for bribes. We take care of the parents another way that we’ll discuss later.
What kind of Halloween candy should you buy? I found a partial answer in a recent article, entitled “The 10 Worst Halloween Candies for Trick or Treating.” Their list is only pertinent if you are the one going out and begging for free sweets. On the giving end, this list becomes the 10 best rather than worst.
Here’s what they list, in reverse (thus suspenseful) order: Mary Janes, Good & Plenty, Black Licorice, Smarties, Tootsie Rolls, Peanut Butter Kisses, Necco Wafers, Wax Cola Bottles, Candy Corn, Circus Peanuts. If these are unpopular, they will be memorable, so the list is a good start.
The next thing to do is figure out the absolute worst–something that never exists outside of Halloween. I choose Peanut Butter Kisses. They are weird. They stick to your teeth. Someone has to tell you that they are peanut butter flavored. They might as well be vegemite infused gum scraped off the bottom of turn-of-the-century vaudeville theater seat.
If you can find the vegemite thing, by the way, buy it up. It will work even better than a stack of candy cigarettes. Those I like to give away one at a time from the pack.
You can choose one of the others from the list or something from your own horrible memories. If you were like me, though, you acquired a taste for things others didn’t like so you could get more of them. In that case, maybe you can choose from your own favorites.
Tip: Loose stuff is the best. You can put it in one of those creepy paper bags people used to hand out in the 70s to amplify the negative effect. I still remember every household that handed us those bags of loose candy corn and sticky candy. See? Memorable.
The final step is to go to the dollar store and get whatever resembles the original horrible candy. Go super cheap. If someone later says to you, “Man, you were handing out those nasty Peanut Butter Kisses,” you say “Thank you for noticing, but I’d never spring for the name brand: I bought Orange and Black Wrapped Bargain Toffee. Man.”
For the kids you know, give them something bigger and even more impressive. Make some popcorn balls and barely wrap them. Just tell the kid to open his bag and aim them at one of the 74 Fun Sized Reese’s. It will stick to the bag, the child’s teeth, and to the memory of all who encounter it.
So how do we still impress the parents while giving tricks to their children? It’s called a separate table in the back. All they have to do is say “Trick or Shot,” and they are warmed on their travels with 100 percent authentic imitation Fireball.