They brought back Zima, for God’s sake.
Now we would like to benefit from the retro craze or lack of originality craze or whatever it is that means most new shows on TV are old shows made worse, movie producers are running out of Roman numerals to add to the end of their sequels, and women’s clothing stores are filled with boxed stock from a 1987 steamship. We respectfully ask for the return of T.J. Swann wine.
If you are one who is fortunate enough to remember, the words T. J. Swann bring back magical memories of the 70s and early 80s. If you are not so fortunate, let me explain. T.J. Swann was one of the original Kool-Aid like wines, and certainly the best. It was cheap and good. You could get two bottles for an hour of work at McDonald’s and be the hero of the night.
If you were a guy, all you had to do was hang out in the parking lot of your favorite party store and ask some dude to get you a six-pack of Stroh’s and a couple bottles of Swann. “Ah, for the ladies,” the dude would say–especially if he wore a moustache. You’d agree, even though you’d probably drink the delicious Swann yourself. There was a lot of pressure to drink according to socially accepted gender norms back in the day. Drinks that weren’t brown or clear had to be enjoyed privately.
If you were a lady, T.J. Swann just magically appeared wherever you showed up (or maybe you asked the same dude at the party store–who knows).
Rumor and fading memory say that there were four flavors: Easy Nights, Mellow Days, Stepping Out, and Magic Moments. The Internet provides very little information on this important topic. Who cares which was raspberry and which was apple? The names are so cool. L. swears by Easy Nights. Those two words transport her into a world filled with loud music in a fast car, kicking up dust on a country road on the way to a kegger in a field.
Many a Ford Pinto backseat was permanently stained by Mellow Days.
So many people I know get a far-away happy look when I mention T.J. Swann. I am certain that love was so strong that it has been passed through DNA like cowlicks and brown eyes to the current generation. Boone’s Farm just can’t replace it.
In short, the world is ready for the return of T.J. Swann. We want to enjoy Mellow Days and Easy Nights. We want to do some Stepping Out and enjoy some Magic Moments. That is so much better than simply having a drink.
Maybe we can start a petition to make Constellation Brands, Inc. in Fairport, New York, the current owners of the brand, start making it again. Maybe one of you enterprising uglY cOUsins can buy the brand and recipes and ship a case over to HQ. Certainly, that’s not too much to ask.