Thanks to the History Channel, the aliens get nothing but good press for their ancient accomplishments and relationship with John F. Kennedy.  Sure, they had a few cool accomplishments in rock cutting and made their way into the dreams of Biblical prophets, but what about their failures?  And what have they done lately?

1. Where are the new pyramids and giant statues of human/beast conglomerate gods?  Isn’t time we stopped congratulating them for things they built thousands of years ago?  We could certainly use something new.  If I hear about a giant new construction, it is usually in Las Vegas or Dubai.  The last great pyramid was built in Las Vegas, and it’s so much better than anything the aliens ever designed.  The Vegas pyramid has elevators–and gambling.   The alien pyramids?  Steps and empty storage space.  Dubai manages to build giant spires and mega malls.  I don’t see any VIP lounges or diamond shops in Chichen Itza.  Is a little updating too much to ask for, aliens?

2. What happened to the Bermuda Triangle?  What kind of great space portal suddenly stops working?  Aliens used all of that advanced technology to create a triangle of doom, sucking WWII pilots and an occasional lonely fisherman to their home planet, and then forgot to replace the batteries in the remote.  That’s some advanced civilization.  I don’t blame them for spending what must have been trillions of space tokens on a project that netted almost nothing in alien intelligence–that’s what giant space bureaucracies do–but I thought they were experts on sustainable energy sources.  If they can’t keep the Triangle working, I’m not booking a flight on one their saucers anytime soon.

3. Over the last hundred years, they’ve dedicated themselves to conducting air shows and over-the-top public art events, rather than anything practical like technological advancement or construction projects.  Fluff, when the world needs substance.  Maybe their home planets started favoring liberal arts degrees over career and technical education.  For their MFA thesis projects, they fly here and make geometric shapes on wheat fields.  Derivative.  Overdone.  Boring.

4. Back to the Pyramids:  the structures are great, but the landscaping sucks.  No curb appeal.  These are your greatest achievements?  Half-done is not begun, I say.

5. For a superior humanoid, they have horrible taste in vacation spots.  If they are so smart and so advanced, why are they always visiting Siberia and southern New Mexico and other desolate places?  Who would vacation there? Obviously, they have no taste.  I won’t even begin to write about their irresponsible alien teens brought here on the vacations and left unsupervised to run around pranking the mentally deficient and cutting up cows.  Thousands or millions of years of additional evolution has not made them better parents.

Next time you’re in the mood to give credit to the aliens for all of their achievements here on earth, remember:  they only looked advanced in the company of people who ate with sharpened sticks and played football with the severed heads.  I think they’re staying out of our business lately, because they can’t compete with Disney.