In the tradition of grandmothers everywhere who converse with their friends on the TV,
uglY cOUsin presents the first in a series of Brief Conversations with People We’ve Never Met.
UC: I have a friend who attracts women when he puts on his glasses, but strikes out if he doesn’t wear them. Have you ever considered reversing your look? Cool super guy with glasses, weak helpless dude without?
SUPE: I’ve never really considered it, but. . .
UC: Besides, you don’t want to be accused of perpetuating negative stereotypes of those who wear glasses. Right?
SUPE: I certainly don’t mean to. When I chose that disguise, it was a much different. . .
UC: I think a beard might work better. People are always saying, “I didn’t recognize that guy when he shaved.” Just some advice.
SUPE: Thank you. I’d like to talk a little about my work with the alien acceptance movement, if I could.
SUPE: I’m afraid I don’t know. . .
UC: It must be a pain to have super hearing. Especially, with people yelling for help all the time. I mean, is that all you can hear?
SUPE: I have trained myself to be sensitive to hearing cries for help, yes. It’s not like I hear everything. There are certain sounds that I guess I’ve learned to ignore.
UC: So you’re saying you wish people would stop screaming for you to save them and take care of themselves every so often?
SUPE: No, I would never say that.
UC: Right now. Is anyone in need of your assistance? I mean, someone is always in trouble somewhere.
SUPE: Not that I’m aware of.
UC: Seriously, you must be ignoring about 100 screams within your super-ear shot to talk to me. How do you sleep or go on dates? You’ve got to know that every moment you spend on yourself costs someone their life.
SUPE: OK. I thought we were going to talk about flying or saving people from aliens or even the issue of my attracting danger to this planet, but not this. You’ve got me. Off the record, hearing what I hear drives me crazy. Most days all I hear are complaints and screams. No one is satisfied with the people I do save. I have to prioritize, you know. I can’t do everything for everyone. I’ve got to unwind. It was hard until I met a cat lady whose house was on fire. I rescued her, but she kept crying and pleading with me to save her cats. So I went back into the fire and grabbed up all the cats. She told me her life mission was to save the cats. The cats, the cats, the cats. Their life sucked, though. That place was a wreck. The fire actually improved the property value. It was no life for the cats. And she couldn’t save them all. What was she going to do? Put all of the millions of strays in her spare bedroom? You can’t save everybody. You just do what you can. People are never satisfied. I don’t see them jumping out of bed to stop a super villain from throwing a ship through a building.
UC: And the glasses? Off the record.
SUPE: OK. I’ll try reversing my look.