On a recent archeological dig in my basement, while searching for something written by a deceased friend, I came across the most wonderful, surprising, mysterious, and troubling find:  evidence of a satanic party cult which may or may not have ties to Charles Manson.  The artifact is a single sheet of loose-leaf ruled notebook paper that I probably picked up in Northern California in either 1984 or 1985.  The date is derived from papers in the vicinity of the find.  No carbon testing has been done at this point.

 

The top of the sheet has a scribble, evidence of an ancient method of activating ink pens for use in satanic ritual, and a five-sided star with rays emanating from the points.  A quick Wikipedia search of similar stars reveals various occult and anti-American connections–from its use as representation of Sirius (from which most aliens come) to its popularity in the flags of former communist states as well as the state of Texas.  In addition, the formal name for a five-sided star is “mullet,” which always indicates a subversive and anit-social attitude.

The names of the members are listed (pixelated for our safety) and divided into two “best” groups.  Under a strategically placed (un-holy) water stain lies a cryptic poem:  “Best of all in the fall / Number 4 there / is no more.”  In this context, the fall most likely refers to the Biblical fall of mankind, the expulsion from the garden of Eden and introduction of original sin.  This group embraces this sinful reality, and they think of themselves as the only people who matter.  Perhaps they consider themselves to be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, harbingers of the end of the world.

Their plan is clearly explained in the four steps that follow.  The repetition of the number four cannot be accidental.  After consulting with various numerologists and historians, I am convinced that this group either holds the number to be sacred due to their role as the four princes of Satan, each representing one of the four directions of the his earthly kingdom, or they are fans of James Madison, the fourth president of the United States.  Rumor has it that Madison was a Satanist and serious partier.  The White House burned under his watch, and Satan loves fire.

the planAs their plan unfolds, it reveals a deep hedonistic bent.  First, they must “party” every Saturday (a holy day for many that they obviously want to mock).  Then they plan to surround themselves constantly with money, the love of which is the root of all evil.  They must remain close to the root to stay powerful.  Thirdly, they need a car, undoubtedly so they can hide their evil deeds in dark and seemly places.  Finally, at the end of the month, they need exactly $25 in order to by “J’s” and “BB’s.”  Other than pitching in for gas money, none of their goals have the altruistic motive of a standard friendly organization.  They want only a vehicle and money for party supplies.  But what are these supplies?  As is typical with all underground organizations, they disguise their list in mysterious initialisms.

What is  J?  What is a BB?  The Online Slang Dictionary says that J or Jay is short for marijuana cigarette, and offers an example of its popular use:  “Yo man roll that jay quick we need to smoke.”  This sounds like the sort of thing the originators of this paper would say–lack of punctuation and all.  No source gives a reasonable explanation of BB in this context.  The usual go-to for depravity, Urban Dictionary, offers up “baby” and “bareback.”  Though these misguided youth may be involved in both, and one can lead to the other, neither are items that need purchasing.  My educated guess is beer bottles, some sort of barbiturate, or Beelzebub (not that they need to purchase him, but they need money to give as a sacrifice).  We may never know.  Further sources are scarce.

None of the four members listed show up in searches.  Have they descended into hell?  Were they even of this earth?  All we are left with is the cryptic close to their one-page declaration of debauchery, their group name:  The Heavenly Devil’s Gang.  It is written in all caps as if to shout their secret identity to the world in an act of audacious defiance.  The punctuation reveals that they do not consider themselves to be heavenly devils, but are in fact the gang of the heavenly devil.  They are obviously committed to doing his will.  From the heavens a thunderous voice rumbles “You four!  Party!  Get some J’s and BB’s! You are the chosen four, and no one else can party like you on Saturdays!  Drive Safely!”