New

  • soap devil

    File this under signs of the end times–personal and societal. The grown man in question is me.  I had a simple desire–to wash my hands.  I had purchased a new bottle with the handy push pump top and even got it on sale, which made me feel even better about personal hygiene. I spun the

Most Important Thing in the World

  • Pyramid cat

    I don’t care how busy I am.  When I poop, I take the time to cover it well.  I prepare a hole twice as deep as I need it, and bury my poop with more than twice the litter necessary.  I suggest you do the same.  If you can’t apply my lesson to pooping (but

Or is this the most important?

  • philosopher cat

    Chauncy, the uglY cOUsin tuxedo cat, has been demanding a greater role in our work here in Flyover, USA.  He is tired of just being the pretty face of memes.  Lacking the resoluteness of a cat, I have given in.  Now Chauncy is the official ugly philosopher at uglYcOUsin.com.  I told him we were trying

News that Matters

  • cheeto penis

    Earlier this week, L thought she would enjoy a side of baked Cheetos to complement her lunch of cold chicken and tomatoes.  Little did she know what this innocent decision would lead to.  Usually, all one has to fear from eating a delicious Cheeto is the tell-tale orange finger syndrome. Cheeto powder has been known

Timmy’s Ugly Culture

  • I forgot to bring earbuds on the plane.  Yes, even discarded dolls like myself are allowed to fly.  The flight was two hours and I had exhausted my reading material, so I decided to play the games on the little screen provided on the back of the seat facing me.  Backgammon.  “Sorry, unable to load.” 

Ugly Stories

  • Paper sack mask

    You probably don’t remember me, but I was Larry the stinky kid in second grade.  Maybe you thought my name was simply stinky kid and didn’t even know I was Larry.  I hated Halloween. I lived in a cinder block house on the highway with half-buried tires along the perimeter of our drive.  We used

Unsolicited Advice

  • weird bag

    This Halloween, make the only time these kids have walked on a sidewalk even more memorable.  No one will recall who gave them that KitKat when it falls out of a bag amongst 40 other KitKats.  Being acceptable and normal is boring. There are only two ways of making your Halloween hand-outs stand out:  1)

Herbite Church Bulliten

  • the guilty nickel

    Herb stared at a nickel resting upon a small wooden box on his desk.  Though staring at things or at no-things instead of talking to me wasn’t unusual, I sensed an electricity of thought connecting his eyes to that nickel.  It didn’t appear to me that he was looking through it, the way he often

Beach Essential Reading