New

  • My Wife as Ant Man

    With an entire universe of hyphenated heroes to choose from, my wife declared the other day that she wants to be Ant-Man.  I believe her desire was not based in the man part, but the ant part.  Perhaps she wants to be Ant-Woman or Ant-Person, but definitely not the Wasp.  Who wants to be a

Most Important Thing in the World

  • Pixilated Jerry Springer

    It was announced this week that the Jerry Springer Show has been discontinued.  Jerry will have to chant his name to himself on a beach somewhere.  Maybe he’ll walk up to strangers with a Mr. Microphone and ask them to introduce his “final thoughts.”  And they will really be his last words.  Who knows what

Ugly Stories

  • pancreatic enlightenment

    My pancreas developed consciousness last week.   I’m sure last week was just the end of a long process of self-discovery, but I didn’t sense the baby steps. If I could stick a mirror in my guts and my pancreas had eyes (and maybe that will come soon), it would recognize itself.  I don’t know

News that Matters

  • BREAKING SQUIRREL NEWS:  Suspicious Death on Sidewalk (We at uglY cOUsin worry that such matters as this go unnoticed and unprinted.  The unmistakable sadness of squirrel life gives us pause when we cross paths with it.  In this case, literally, when an ordinary walk on a rare sunny day made us confront the horrors normally

Herbite Church Bulliten

  • Herb Sonic, the pizza man, was a holy man I met years ago in Boulder, Colorado.  His faith in uncertainty and the uncertainty of his faith captivated me, so I began recording our conversations.  There you go.   “What are you uncertain about today, Herb?” Herb didn’t look up at me from his crouched position.

Timmy’s Ugly Culture

  • Pixilated Jerry Springer

    It was announced this week that the Jerry Springer Show has been discontinued.  Jerry will have to chant his name to himself on a beach somewhere.  Maybe he’ll walk up to strangers with a Mr. Microphone and ask them to introduce his “final thoughts.”  And they will really be his last words.  Who knows what

Unsolicited Advice

  • Dear Comcast or Xfinity (I’m unsure what your preference is these days; perhaps you’ve gone to a symbol), Thank you for making my boss seem communicative and fair by comparison to your customer service.  Because of you my job satisfaction is skyrocketing. Blessings to you and yours,   UC